As human beings we are born hard-wired both with our core emotions intact and to attach to our caregivers. Whether our early attachment environment exposed us to chaos that felt unsafe, or our surroundings gave us the security we needed, we all developed parts of ourselves that helped us manage what we were exposed to in early childhood. At that time we were essentially fully dependent on our caregivers and had no ready made tools of our own. Without the early attachments we had in our lives, and the parts of us that grew in order to help us manage feelings that we were unable to make sense of so that we could keep getting our basic needs met, we would not have survived and thrived to be the functional adults that manage our day-to-day lives today.
These aspects/parts of ourselves, while always working from a place of good intention and helping, can many times stick around and keep hard at work, without realizing we are now fully adult, living on our own or with partners or families we’ve chosen and created. The ways in which they helped us survive our early years in order to continue receiving the love and care we needed may now create barriers relating to others, ourselves or managing our emotions as adults.
If you are able, take a moment to slow down. Appreciate the complexity and utter genius of the emotional systems we were born with. Notice the parts of you that show up when you are having a hard time, that are there and ready in a millisecond to help you manage your feelings, especially feelings that you learned were not ok to have. These may be joy, anger, disgust, sadness, excitement, sexual excitement, or fear. Listen to what these parts of you are saying to keep you from feeling overwhelmed by any of your core emotions. Some parts may want us to quickly find something to eat to stop feeling fear or sadness, others may tell us not to take a chance and share something we are feeling with someone because we will be disappointed, feel rejected, wrong, or make a mistake. Others may push us to fog out, shut down, leave our body…the list is endless.
Our parts are creative masterminds. They have worked long and hard to keep us away from feelings we learned would create problems in our early lives and families, protecting us so that we could continue to receive the care we needed from our early attachment figures. They helped us to survive.
What if now, instead of listening and letting them lead you, you listened and let them know you hear them, share your appreciation for them and for their hard work in protecting you, helping you, and then tried to be curious with them?
In our therapy together, I can help you explore your parts with kindness and curiosity, so that all of your parts can be seen, heard and understood. Eventually you and your conscious energy (or Self) can be the leader of your life, reactions, relationships and of your parts.